Ask Auntie

I believe the legal adviser to my local lay bench of beaks may not be legally qualified. He treats us advocates like scum and shouts down our submissions. In so far as he ever consults a law book, it is a 1957 edition of Stone’s Justices’ Manual. He is habitually wrong on the law, practice and procedure. He drives a mini cab in the evenings and also during luncheon adjournments with the result that we often have a late afternoon start if he has done the Gatwick run. The beaks make no complaints because most of them are fiddling their expenses. Would it be prudent for me to try and check the man out with the various professional bodies?
Name and address withheld

I should leave well alone or being treated like scum will seem to have been a halcyon experience. His style sounds well suited to the rough and tumble of the petty sessional world. However, the occasional injection of open court sarcasm may destabilise him a little. Refer to him as “your most learned clerk”. Deliver some fast balls which compel him to advise the beaks on the burden of proof or the definition of appropriation and ask him to do so in open court. I appreciate that, criminal fees now being what they are, your Stone’s may be pre-1957 so you had better access some internet law before getting too cheeky. Tell him you are friendly with some bigwigs in the taxi business.

I was gifted an all-purpose inflatable man for Christmas which is not in peak condition. Frankly, I have no use for this object. Can you advise how I might dispose of it for some consideration and without fear of exposure or professional disciplinary proceedings?

Embarrassed Solicitor of EC4

You imply that the man may not be fit for purpose and not of satisfactory standard (and don’t I know!). This raises an interesting legal point and your best bet may be to return the object to the supplier, if known. The Contracts (Rights of Third Parties) Act 1999 can overcome a no privity of contract argument should you demand a refund from the supplier but so long as the supplier’s copy of the invoice has been indorsed “Man for Embarrassed of EC4” or with words to like effect. If taking back the man personally, do not travel on public transport. Otherwise, try and procure an assignment by the donor of their contractual rights so that you can claim as assignee. If the worse comes to the worst, ask the donor to make the return. Whichever course is followed, there may be an alternative right to free repair or exchange for an inflatable woman.

Do you fink that the money what we forget to get in when punters start orf familee cases in the countee courts will go up as they are fretenin? I might rezine if they do cos I cant remember how much I need to forget to get in as it is.
Arthur Sparrow, Littlehampton County Court, West Sussex

I refuse to answer questions written in a foreign language or by half-wits. I suggest you resubmit your question in intelligible form or apply for promotion to HM Courts Service.

I am the beneficiary of an occupational public service pension under which I have been overpaid for 20 years. The Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster made a statement about the likes of me at the end of last year. It seems that no attempt is to be made to recover these overpayments. What, however, I must do is establish whether I might be entitled to insist on continued receipt of excess money on the grounds that I have committed myself, my family and my hounds to a lifestyle which demands that the same payments carry on. My mind and legal knowledge are now rusty and I no longer have access to a law library in which to research. I have caught a couple of Judge Judy programmes on the television but whereas they are incredibly helpful on wife battery, they are useless on the finer points of English law of pensions and contract. Can you put me straight?

Sir Theobald Cock, Blackacre

Come off it, you greedy old sod. You don’t have a hope in hell. Can you lend Uncle a fiver?

Auntie will be delighted to hear from you but cannot guarantee to reply or, if she does, to be of any real help at all