Occasional advice....
The BBC 2 television series The Barristers is compelling viewing. Can you advise how I might secure some involvement for myself in a future television series with a legal flavour? I am very personable and willing to do anything to get on television. I would prefer an evening programme on a terrestrial channel.
Marietta Finger-Sandwich, 5 Cardboard Buildings, Birmingham
While those featured in the BBC 2 series will doubtless reap career rewards for their participation, be it as silks at a construction court or hod carriers on a construction site or as new juniors or trainee Tesco under managers, I have to tell you that there is far less glory attached to a television appearance than is generally supposed. Uncle and I had our 15 minutes of fame when Going for A Song visited our parish church some years ago with that delightful man the late Hugh Scully. We were pictured by a Chippendale chair for some moments and were stared at by all and sundry for several days following transmission but, alas, we then had to return to obscurity. Nevertheless, you are probably wise to eliminate this obsession from your system sooner rather than later. The major shows have long waiting lists. Your best bet is to come up with your own format and suggest you personally should present the series. “Strictly Come Bowing”, “I’m a High Court Judge. Get me out of this Lift”, “Commercial Chambers Fortunes”, “Sex in the Strand”. The opportunities are endless. If you are able to read an autocue at the same time as peeling off your stockings, this could hold you in good stead, especially if pitching to Channel 4. Do let me know when you are on and I will tell Uncle. He likes stockings.
My litigation opponent is a buffoon. He is heading for a strike out of a substantial claim. Am I obligated to remind him of the deadline he is about to miss?
Faith, Axminster, solicitors and parliamentary agents, W1
You owe him no duty. Your duty is to your client who might box your ears and lock you in a disco parlour with John Sergeant if you put your opponent wise. So long as you do nothing calculated to mislead your opponent into negligence, you have no worries except in the Conscience Division of the High Court of Morals in which limitation may never be pleaded.
I am a senior legal adviser to a family proceedings court. We boast one district judge who has a vague idea of what she is doing when taking family business. However, the situation is dismal when the lay beaks are listed for this business. As you will appreciate, this low form of judiciary can spend a couple of hours on attempting to achieve unanimity over whether to partake of herbal or breakfast tea. You can imagine what it is like when seeking to apply the welfare checklist on a child case. The deliberations are interminable and preparing draft reasons on which they are likely to agree is near impossible. Problems also arise with fixing adjournment dates when cases go part heard and there are coffee mornings and tombola commitments which have to be honoured. Despite all this, the government has just brought in absurd new allocation rules which are apparently designed to overwhelm us with around one quarter of the family work which the county courts judges have hitherto dealt with and thereby save money. Is there any way out for us?
Name and address withheld
It is well known that family proceedings courts are ill-equipped to efficiently deal with these cases. Although I agree that the situation appears grim, I do believe that you can rely on the county court judges to ignore the new allocation order to almost the same degree as they did the last one and almost to the same degree as the district judges are ignoring their new robes except for keeping their car radiators warm. You can expect them to jealously guard their family jurisdiction and give nothing away except contact disputes limited to whether Jimmy should be with his dad on Tuesdays and Thursdays from school until 6pm during week one, on Mondays and Fridays from school until 7.30pm on week two and whether collection should be by dad or uncle Harold and to his home or the postbox at the end of the road.
My application for promotion to the House of Lords is in jeopardy. A chap can no longer rely on a word in a couple of right ears, by which I mean the left or right ear attached to the heads of a couple of the right sort of people. What a humiliation and indignity it all is. Advertisements may be suitable for court car park attendants and district and circuit judges but never at this judicial level. Presumably we will be expected to deliver an extempore speech, demonstrate an ability to treat advocates with extreme rudeness and establish we are not Alzheimer candidates or in favour of human rights for terrorists. Any tips, Auntie?
A Lord Justice of Appeal
Get your ears sorted out before delivering any speech or ask if they will accept a single judgment from all applicants. Say nothing to any of your back-stabbing colleagues because the embarrassment on leakage that you were turned down would be too much to bear. In case your absence from the Strand for more than a couple of hours might put your colleagues on enquiry, see whether the panel will interview you by video link. If it’s good enough for Roman Polanski, it’s good enough for you.
Auntie will be delighted to hear from you but cannot guarantee to reply, or if she does, to be of any real help at all
