Occasional advice for the judiciary and lawyers on matters of the mind,
heart and (THOUGH AUNTie is a bit dodgy on it) the law
PICK of the week
Q The senior partner in my law firm has recently moved into my neighbourhood. Needless to say, his house dwarfs mine in size and value. He has asked me if I would give him a lift in to work in the mornings. I am an assistant solicitor in the firm with aspirations to equity partnership. I don’t want to blow it. What should I talk to him about? I am terrified. P J-W, Colchester.
A Talk to him, you fool?! Of course not. That would be equity partnership suicide. Dictate a vanity article on developments in the field of mental incapacity law for submission to Pigeon Fancier’s Weekly on the hands-free recorder before you reach the traffic lights. Then order a cholesterol-free sandwich and a pomegranate juice for delivery to the office for your lunch by the time you have reached the second roundabout. After that, play a legal educational tape before putting on the Karaoke Law Reports. It is essential that you listen in advance to the case selected. You’ll be mowing the boss’s lawn and doing his washing if you spout out “appeal allowed” as the lead lord justice of appeal announces that the appeal is unanimously dismissed with costs on the indemnity basis.
Q. I have just heard the first mitigator this Yuletide season urge lay magistrates to suspend imprisonment so that his client would be at liberty to buy cheaply at the pre-Christmas sales rather than steal after Christmas because she could not afford to pay higher prices. This was at Barnstable Magistrates’ Court at 10.28am today. Mrs B, West Midlands.
A. Sorry, but we can only recognise the earliest annual hearings of cuckoos and electric hover mowers. Incidentally, I gather that this category of mitigation now only qualifies for a fixed payment of six shillings and eight pence by way of criminal legal aid pay but with a 15% enhancement if the mitigation gets a laugh.
Q. A third party’s insurers are sending a representative to meet me next week for a discussion on a substantial fatal accident claim which I have formulated for my client. To be honest, we are extremely shaky on liability, there is no conditional fee agreement and the client is loathe to invest in litigation. We could not afford to go to counsel and, apart from a couple of copy letters and an attendance note, there is nothing in the file. I am worried that the representative will cotton on to the fact that we know we are in trouble. How can I prevent this from happening? JL, Littlehampton, West Sussex.
A. Of course, a lawyer without a file is as naked as a footballer in a massage parlour and so a file there must be. You should fill it with a bulging set of instructions to counsel borrowed from a more fertile file and have some pink tape protruding. This may be wrapped around an index finger—your own and not the representative’s—while the representative is explaining why any offer put forward would be on a strictly nuisance basis. Also:
- Wrap a brick in brown paper and mark it prominently with the file name and “exhibit—confidential”. Place opposite the representative’s chair.
- Ensure that a conspicuously displayed edition of Kemp & Kemp no older than 18 years is prominently displayed on the bookshelf and that any copies of The Register of Under Sheriffs of England and Wales and Table of Conveyancing Scale Fees for Unregistered Transactions have been removed from view.
- Begin the discussion with some small talk along the lines of: “What do you think of the latest Ogden tables?”
- Have the windows cleaned.
Q. I am holding a weekend bowing seminar at an exclusive country retreat next month. All aspects of bowing will be covered with delegates split into two separate groups—for those with higher advocacy rights, tutoring in actual prostration; and for the riff-raff appearing in the lower courts and at tribunals, we will expound on the art of the slight head tilt. Delegates with vegan or other weird diets may bring their own food and for those sharing a room with up to nine other delegates, the weekend will cost £4,000 inclusive of meals, room and neck cream. Disappointingly, we have so far attracted only one booking for a lady with child and dog (no charge for animals). Can you advise on how we can pull in a few more? Melanie Hugthorn, Uttoxeter.
A. To counsel, bowing comes naturally, so they have nothing to learn. As for the rest, with their shoddy attire and disgusting mineral bottle swigging practices, they barely acknowledge there is a judge or chairman let alone flex their backs or necks.
I should abandon the weekend before you have to shell out a cancellation fee and consider an envelope addressing course for redundant political donation proxies.
Q. How about a court uniform for paralegals and solicitors’ agents? We care about our appearance as much as the judges and our learned friends and are fed up wearing mackintoshes. A continental design by Vivienne Westwood, perhaps? Rent-a-Mouth, Hertfordshire.
A. I understood the mackintosh enabled you to rush from wherever you were to Croydon County Court to conduct another case listed to start at the same time. Be that as it may, there should soon be a job lot of wigs going for a song or maybe you had a peak cap in mind for headgear.
Otherwise, I would commend a jumpsuit affair—preferably in bright yellow—into which you could stuff up to 50 files and a fax machine for the receipt of instructions during hearings.
Q. Are New Year’s resolutions binding if not filed with the court by 4pm on the succeeding 3 January? Name and address withheld.
A. Generally not, but there is an exception in favour of third parties who can show they have suffered economic loss as a result of the breach and successfully apply for permission to enforce, without notice.
The application attracts a prescribed fee which has recently been increased to £7,500 with remission to any applicant whose personal data has been lost by a government department.
