The Insider
Jennifer James, a self confessed couch potato, indulges in some Olympic meddling
The Insider greatly enjoyed watching coverage of the Olympic Games from Beijing. Not that I was in Beijing, you understand; I watched it in my front room in Sarf London so was about level for humidity and air pollution although there is a stewards' inquiry on human rights abuses.
Say what you like, these totalitarian regimes really know how to put on a show. The spectacle of several thousand dancers in perfect unison was slightly tainted by Western media assertions that in fact it was two blokes from Shanghai and a heck of a lot of sticky-backed plastic. I was left wondering whether the singers, dancers and drummers were all performing for sheer joy or because their families were being held in a facility adjacent to a nuclear power station.
It did make me proud to be British, watching all of those medals racking up. At one stage we were in third place, behind only China and the USA and even at the end only Russia succeeded in nudging us into fourth place.
You might be interested, gentle reader, to note that certain other countries have set out the medal tables in ways best to suit themselves. China, to my mind, won fair and square: the established ranking is, most Gold medals wins, if that is a tie, most Silver and if that too is a tie, most Bronze. Presumably if that, too, is a tie then the world implodes, or perhaps they then deduct points for every athlete who fails a drug test, throws his medal to the floor in a hissy fit or delivers a roundhouse kick in the face to a judge (although since the countries in jeopardy for the last two are Sweden and Cuba respectively, I don't think their position on top of the leader board is due any time this century.)
China with 51 gold medals to the USA's 36 is in the lead on all medals tables published in the UK; not that Uncle Sam is a sore loser or anything, but they don't like to come second and some bright spark Over There has spotted that with 36 gold, 38 silver and 36 bronze to China's 51, 21 and 28 ditto, the USA's total “bag” was 110 to China's 100, thereby making them the “winners”.
Best of all, plucky little Australia, way down in sixth place (aah! Schadenfreude) have worked out that although 46 medals overall is less than China won just in the Gold medal category, for a country of 20 million inhabitants as against China's 1.1 billion, it is by no means shabby. Hence medals tables in Oz are now being ordered per capita, on which basis we are probably trailing behind not only our cheeky Colonial chums but
Liechtenstein as well.
Of course, in the foregoing paragraphs my use of the royal “we” is somewhat presumptuous unless and until they make Couch Potato an Olympic event, in which case I must be in the running for at least a Silver. However, it did make me think: what Olympic medals might lawyers go for in 2012, if we can get the IOC on board in time? After scouring my memory banks I have a couple of suggestions:
● The Most Billable Hours in a Single Day: Currently held by Mr X of Magic Circle LLP on 55 hours, which suggests he has a quasar-powered time machine, the fuel costs of which doubtless explain his thirst for chargeable time.
● The Biggest Chief: Got to be Andrew John Westall of James Beauchamp Solicitors for billing the 80-yearold mother of a property solicitor at Beauchamp's offices in Edgbaston, Birmingham, who tragically hanged himself at his home in November 1994, partner time at £150 an hour in a bill totalling £12,278, for such matters as finding the deceased's body and visiting his mother to tell her in person. Later described by the Chairman of the disciplinary tribunal as “scandalous” Mr Westall would be a hard act to follow, but I suppose having been struck off for this and other matters he is technically out of the running.
● The Naughtiest Lawyer: Lots of contenders for this one, although my personal favourites remain the Immigration Judges whose names are in the public domain but I am not going to repeat, who filmed themselves doing the nasty and then left the tape where the “Chilli Hot Stuff” cleaner (you know, the one who managed to dress in Oxfam rejects and make them look like Primark specials) could get her mitts on it. And finally…
● The Least Likely to Win the Judge's Sympathy: Mr Litigant in Person who, on seeing an hourly rate of £250 spluttered “£250 an hour! It's outrageous! If there are people who charge such sums, they should die, that's what I think!” Learned Judge, demurring “Given what I do for a living, do you think that is your strongest argument?” Mr Litigant in Person, thinking VERY fast, replied “Well, Master, when they die, I hope they go to Heaven!”
